wingzerosoldier | [rp] But There Are Dreams That Cannot Be

[rp] But There Are Dreams That Cannot Be

War.

It was a terrible thing, that much most everyone could agree on. Some just thought it more necessary than others. However necessary it was or wasn’t, those who decided when there was war, those who instigated it, were responsible for each and every life touched by it, marred by it, taken by it. But how responsible, how guilty were those who allowed themselves to be used as tools?

How guilty was a boy with a detonator for killing a little girl with a yellow flower and a puppy? How guilty was a boy, little more than a child, that had sat in the pilot seat of humankind’s most advanced weapon? No matter his actions that influenced the end of the war; the boy had killed hundreds, thousands. Directly and indirectly. A boy, who could never truly understand the scope of what he had done, could never atone for those sins.

There were no heroes in war, only those who had done enough good among the evil to be recognized as still human.

He said he would never kill again, and yet - what use is a gun that has no target, a soldier who has no enemy, an operative who has no mission?

There was nothing for the boy with no name, no home, no mission. No life left to live, yet he couldn’t die. He couldn’t die with the blood of thousands on his hands. For each life he had taken, it seemed a mockery to give up that precious gift he had stolen. If he forfeit his own life, there was no word to express the cowardice of running from his sins.

He found comfort in Duo Maxwell. Another Gundam pilot, another boy who had his life taken from him by the war, another nameless victim who had to make his own name and his own way. It started sometime between the American pointing a gun at his face and the final moments in the silence of space after the destruction of Libra, but exactly when, he didn’t know. When he realized he had emotions other than guilt. Emotions towards another person that went beyond some extension of self-preservation. Emotions that went beyond the mission and its effects and consequences. Love, Duo had called it, but there was too much blood on his hands for him to accept that he deserved that love. And yet the American had persisted. Everyone deserved a chance, even them. As long as they tried to atone for what they had done, why should they be miserable and throw away the life they’d kept by killing other people?

Sleep didn’t come easy for the once Wing Zero pilot. Even as he lay in the dark, curled around his lover, he could only stare past the pillows to the stars beyond the window. The stars in the darkness that he wished would have swallowed him whole. But no, that was a coward thinking, someone who ran away. When he slept, he dreamed. He killed her often in his dreams - the little girl with the yellow flower and puppy. He hears her laugh a lot, too, before he destroys her, her family, her home, everything she’d ever known. He counted mobile suits in his dreams, but he could never think how many he’d destroyed.

He cried, sometimes, silent sobs that wracked his body and bitter tears that fell into the other’s braid as he slept. Duo had to know. It was hopeful to think he hadn’t woken the ex-02 pilot up with his anguish that sometimes just wouldn’t be reined in. As the days went on, things changed. It wasn’t that love wasn’t there - there was love. Love and guilt; all he had left. But his touch became colder, his gaze became distant, his words became fainter.

He woke up on the floor one night, tangled in the sheets and screaming. Head pressed to the floor and nails digging against the carpet, it had taken every ounce of self-control he had to stop himself. Self-control, and Duo’s crying and begging. He didn’t know how long he screamed, but his throat hurt as he washed his face with water in the bathroom. He came back to find that his lover had remade the bed for them. Neither of them slept the rest of that night, but when Duo stirred from his doze in the light of mid-morning, he found Heero by the front door. He wore his Preventers uniform, his pistol tucked in the back of his waistband under his jacket, and an old, familiar duffel bag sitting next to the welcome mat. He was leaving, he explained. He couldn’t sit in a normal house, with a normal life, and it not feel twisted and undeserved. It wasn’t because he didn’t love Duo, he reassured the other, hand cupping his cheek and brushing back the strands that had escaped his braid. If Duo wanted to wait, he would come back. One day, when he felt he had appeased the ghosts of his conscience. He loved Duo, but living like this was driving him insane. He left after a last kiss, with the promise that when he came back, they would get married like they had talked of.

He was 19 then.

He’s 25 today, dressed sharply in the formal uniform of the Preventers. His hair is unruly as it ever was, bangs low in front of prussian blue eyes. He’s taller now, shoulders a bit broader and held straight. There are murmurs behind him on the street as he walks, but their voices are eclipsed by polished shoes clicking along the asphalt. No one can tell his intent by his expression. It’s entirely neutral, but there’s the glimmer of one with a mission. A look his old lover would know well. Tucked carefully under his arm is a bouquet of 11 roses - red and yellow. Love and new beginnings. His pace slows and he stops in front of the third row house on the street. He looks up at the weather-worn door.

Six years ago, a haunted, gaunt teenager stood in the same spot, looking at the door that had just closed. He had told the door - and the occupant within, a quiet goodbye. Today he greets the same door without words. He’d made sure the resident was the same, a simple check had proved that. He steps forward, and presses the doorbell under the nameplate that says ‘Maxwell’, then steps back.

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Heero sees Duo toying with the ring on his finger, and it feels as if he'd just been winded. It's a slap in the face, a reminder that he's not 'the one' anymore, nor will he be again. It is, at least, easy inspiration to keep him from embracing the other. Heero shuts the door, in time to see that pained smile.

It hurts him, almost physically, to see it. That smile that doesn't quite make it, the pain in his eyes. The pain he had caused for the last nine years, since they had known each other and been together. Since he had begun to fall apart.

Heero takes his hand out of his pocket and something falls to the floor when he steps forward - a little cube of a box, with rounded edges and covered in a navy velvet-like fabric. He doesn't notice the thing he dropped, or if he does he ignores it. His arms encircle the ex-Deathscythe pilot, tightly. He tries not to hurt the other in his enthusiasm. He takes a shuddering breath that Duo won't be able to hear, but will be able to feel, and forces himself to let go.

He nods, mutely to Duo's request and motions to the bed behind him. It's overwhelming. The scent of Duo's shampoo that he's sure hasn't changed at all, the brush of his hair on skin, the familiar warmth that doesn't seem to have changed in six years.

The Preventer sits in the desk chair beside the bed wordlessly, eyes watching Duo, the little box forgotten on the floor by the door.

It almost... burns to wear that ring in front of Heero. For someone who only lied by omission - this had been the greatest two year lie he had ever gone along with. That poor schmuck sleeping in 'their' bed back at 'their' house believed that one day they would get married, that he'd ever had any intention of marrying him because he was too much of a fool to face up to being alone, and comfort himself with the knowledge that Heero would be back. His own post-war weaknesses had lead to the biggest mistake and mess of his life, and now he knew he either had to face it or find a way to fix it, if he could possibly do so.

he'd pull back flips of Trowa Barton proportions in order to do so. He had to.

The Deathscythe pilot is shocked, for all of a few seconds, as Heero clutches him close. His hand moves automatically to touch the back of his head while he's there, holding Heero in return as best as he possibly could. He doesn't notice the box either, too caught up in the moment, in the familiar feeling of Heero's body against his own.

Duo sits, worrying his lip for a long moment and still toying with that ring, a little too big (and not resized because why blow the money?) for his finger, as he thinks of what to say. Finally he settles on the simple truth, running his fingers through his bangs and looking down to the floor, ashamed of himself even as he admits it. "I... I fucked up, Heero.."

The ex-pilot runs a hand idly up his arm. He's wearing a white tank undershirt, and even in the dark illuminated only by the city lights outside, it's easy to see that he's covered in scars. His hands are more calloused than they had been. He looks almost rough, like this, not the polished and accomplished soldier that had brought roses earlier.

His eyes flicker up to his once lover, to that ring that shouldn't be there -- no, it should, if Duo wants it, he has to tell himself that -- but his words are only adding up to something he doesn't want to hear. Not because he doesn't want to think he has a chance with his love again, because he certainly does want to be able to think that, but rather that he doesn't want Duo to have been unhappy.

"What do you mean?"

"I fucked up. I'm fucked up." He says, almost as if that explains absolutely everything. He doesn't know how to say this without looking like an idiot, without looking like the children they weren't supposed to be anymore. He felt like a little kid having to admit that he'd done something wrong, right about now, so blinded by what he was feeling at the moment to notice much of Hero's scars or rougher hands.

He was supposed to wait - and what had he done? Lead someone else along, promised himself to someone else before Heero returned, and why? Because he was afraid of being alone, afraid of silence and what that would do to him.

"I... was too afraid of being alone to stay there, by myself... Too afraid of being alone to turn down the ring. He's so happy about everything and I'm fucking miserable and have been putting off what he wants for a year because I never stopped waiting for you - " His voice cracks and Duo gives a clearly shuddering breath, closing his eyes just in time to stop any real tear build up that had happened, swallowing hard and gathering himself before meeting those prussian eyes again.

"I'm sorry. I fucked up. But I want.. to fix it. I missed you so much it physically hurt sometimes and I can't believe I was that stupid.." He closes his eyes again in time for a tear to run down his nose, gathering at the end until he wipes it away.

"I just missed you..."

He manages to listen quietly, but when Duo's voice chokes up, the Japanese man is out of the chair and sitting on the bed next to the other. He lays a hand on Duo's shoulder. He's never been good at comforting others; being emotional in any way had been a hard thing to learn, to get used to. But he couldn't sit there and pretend he didn't care. He's quiet for a while, but he tries to reassure the other that his silence isn't because of anger or disapproval or anything negative towards Duo...he simply doesn't know what to say.

"Duo," he says very softly, and his hand automatically goes to gently petting the other's long hair. He's silent again. Finally, "I missed you too." That's a good neutral place to start. Then, "I'll do whatever you want me to, whether it's wait for you or go back to L1 and stay there."

He's there to catch any more tears, thumb gently stroking across Duo's cheek. He seems to alternate between giving into wanting to comfort the ex-pilot, and trying to be respectful of his relationship.

For a moment he wonders - what they silence means. Heero's been gone for six years, it could mean something negative now, couldn't it? He didn't want to jump to conclusions but his mind was already going to places he didn't really want to, even as Heero tries his best to comfort him. He wonders, too, if they'll ever be able to move past the hurt of this entire episode. If he'll ever get over it, if he'll ever be able to fully forgive him for just up and leaving like that.

"Don't you have a mission or something? That you have to go to L1?" He leans in to Heero's hand, the indigo color of his eyes brighter now that his eyes are a little red and blood shot, sniffling as he thinks of what to do.

"I want to be with you. No more waiting..." And then he chuckles, lightly, as if laughing at himself for feeling the need to say this. "It's been six years, and I ran here like a moron because I'm still in love with you, even after all that time..."

If Duo never forgave him for leaving, Heero wouldn't blame him. But he had promised that once he wasn't quite so haunted, once he didn't feel quite so guilty, that he would be back - with a wedding ring, if Duo would still have him. And if he wouldn't, well, no one could blame him, least of all Heero. Six years had been a long time, and leaving so suddenly hadn't helped his cause. It was a valid reason. He had found his breaking point, and he felt as if he'd somehow fell through rock bottom.

"I live there," he says. "But yes, there's an open mission in a few days." An open mission - volunteers, not assigned. Which meant Heero didn't have to go.

He finds that it hurts when Duo says that. He looks down, hands settling onto his thighs and remaining there. Should he say he still loves Duo, when the other has a fiance? Should he still...

"I want to be with you," he says too. "I love you."

Getting over this engagement fiasco was a small bump in the road, so far as Duo was concerned. He wasn't necessarily unaccustomed to just walking out of people's lives, he'd done so with Hilde and he wouldn't be afraid to do the same in the morning. What kind of gundam pilot was afraid of something being angry with them, other than each other, anyway? Maybe this time had been so stressful and breaking for the both of them, and though they could come together and show weakness like this again.. they'd grown to be better people separately.

Now the test was seeing if they could be together again. "Oh, I understand.." He nods, leaning in to that hand again, happy to feel that familiar hand, as rough or scarred as it may be, against his face.

His eyes slowly open as Heero's hand moves away, though, and as soon as those words leave his mouth.... If Heero was worried about 'I love you' - how does he feel about the braided pilot leaning in to kiss him?

It's light, and unassuming, but it's still a kiss.

He came to realize at some point that he is only human. No matter how he had been raised, and what sort of things his body tolerated that most bodies wouldn't, he was still human. Being with Duo had weakened his resolve as far as emotions went, because they showed him he was capable of having emotions. He was never as good at suppressing his emotions as he was just not having them in the first place. But now that he has these emotions, specifically these emotions for Duo, and now that he's had to simply pause them for six long years... It feels as if that should make it easier, but being apart had done nothing to lessen that love.

He freezes, when those lips touch his own. Since they had their last kiss all that time ago - he hasn't had a friendly human touch since then. His eyelashes flutter and close, and the soldier leans into the kiss just a little.

He might tease Heero about that, later. That it had taken him six years to realize something that he had preached to him from the end of the war until he had left that morning years ago. Of course he knew there was no point to it, that the past was the past and there was no use focusing on it - but damn if he didn't want to rub his face in it even a little bit just because he was Duo maxwell and that's what he did.

Kissing Heero again felt... like home. Like they had never been apart, and like they should make every effort to never be apart again. Duo, for one, had every intention of not allowing that if Heero would do the same for him. Once Heero leans in Duo's hand moves to touch his arm, a quiet, suppressed, wanting noise making its way past Duo's lips and against Heero's.

The rising feeling in him was... desperate for a touch, for more kisses, to feel Heero touch him again. But he didn't know how much Heero would be willing to give while he still had someone else's ring on his finger.

Reserves in the 'chaste' and 'proper' departments were going to fail fast if this keeps up - especially with Duo making sweet little noises. Heero pulls back and swallows hard before he gave into another kiss, then another, his fingertips sliding along Duo's side, catching on the fabric.

He'd missed this. It felt exactly as he remembered. He'd waited so long and while he had been prepared to be turned down, this was something strange and not anticipated. That Duo was taken, but not interested in his current partner.

One hand finds Duo's braid, and he grasps it lightly, and lifts it to look at it. "It's longer than usual," he comments idly. "Can I undo it?" It was one of his favorite things about Duo: his impossibly long, silky hair.

Duo wouldn't mind. He'd feel bad about it later, thinking about the fact that he'd technically cheated on his current partner with the one he hoped to get back - but at the moment he's flying by the seat of his pants and for once was very much enjoying it. Usually, he liked to be in some control, but right about now if Heero took control and flew him to the mood he wouldn't find with him at all. He meets each successive kiss with one of his own, pulling himself closer to the Japanese pilot.

Still, the observation about his hair spurs a little bit of a laugh, and he nods.

"Yeah.. it's past my knee caps now so I've gotta trim it... I have to stay here long enough to go and get the hair cut I scheduled... I picked a place where they cut off twelve inches and give it to people with cancers or things like that..." He leans in to kiss Heero one more time, before nodding his approval.

"Yeah, go ahead and undo it." He'd tell him some other time that his current fiancé had never had the pleasure of seeing his hair undone and playing with it like Heero had when ever he asked to.

He doesn't smile outright, but the ex-pilot's smile softens at Duo's words. That sounds like him, helping out in whatever way he could.

Heero reciprocates the next kiss, then sits mostly behind Duo to better reach his hair. It's surreal, slipping off the hair tie and very slowly beginning to unbraid the hair from the bottom. Once in a while, he'll stop to comb his fingers through the silky tresses. "So beautiful," he mumbles once the wavy tresses are thoroughly combed out. He finds himself still playing with Duo's hair, sitting in the silence of the late night.

Duo chuckles lightly at Heero's comment about how beautiful his hair was. He's quite proud of it, and all of the effort he goes through in order to keep it this way for himself and Heero, who was now reaping the benefits. He's quite pleased to feel those fingers through his hair again, though....

If his little noise before was testing his self control... his little moan at how it feels to have Heero playing in his hair probably isn't really helping, is it?

"Heero.."

If Duo is trying to encourage Heero to help him stay faithful until that ring is firmly off and Duo and his fiance are actually broken up, he's doing a terrible job of it. He doesn't answer to his name, but continues stroking the other's long hair as if to soothe him. His hands are as gentle as ever, and gradually he moves up to running his fingers along the other's scalp, brushing hair back then repeating the whole motion over again.

It was a strange comfort for both of them once, Heero gently playing with Duo's hair, or combing it, or re-braiding it. And it's a comfort now, at least for Heero. Like this, he can temporarily forget that Duo's betrothed, that there's a stranger living in their old house, the confusion that Duo says he's been miserable and that he made a mistake... Heero's fingertips idly massage Duo's temple back into his hairline, a gesture to comfort him.

His brain is telling him he can't do that, on top of going back and telling him that he was leaving, and he'd made a mistake. His body, however, it on full scale rebellion the very moment Heero starts stroking his hair and his temples. Only Heero Yuy knew how to turn him on just by playing with his hair, and at this point it was almost unfair advantage.

He intended on telling the other man the full story, to help him understand, leave him the house to do whatever he wanted with, and get out of there to be with the Wing Zero pilot. It might seem extreme, after 6 years of waiting around and being alone, but it was what his body and mind compelled him to do.

When he speaks his voice is small and breathy, but Duo knows that Heero will be able to hear him.

"I never.. let him touch my hair like this.. No one else really has but you."

He knows that tone of voice as if he'd only heard it yesterday, and for a moment, it makes his fingers falter in the other's hair. Or maybe it's his words that impact him as hard as seeing the ring, maybe more so. His hands continue their path and he speaks in an equally quiet voice.

"You don't like him at all."

Duo was picky about who touched his hair, yes, but to not let his partner touch his hair, take it down and stroke it...it might mean nothing to some, but for Heero, it seems to put the whole relationship in perspective for him. His head bows, and he leans forward, resting his forehead against Duo's back, looping his arms around the other's waist and just sitting there in silence.

Duo doesn't really know what to say to that. He liked him as a friend and a companion, someone to spend time with and occupy his time when he needed a distraction. But when it came to love... He couldn't honestly say that he loved him in that way, loved him enough to say it back to him in a way that wasn't a Heero-esque grunt. So in response to Heero's statement he just turns to give him a small, sad smile, before he places his hands over the other man's around his waist. He hadn't felt so comfortable in someone's embrace in a long, long time, and he relaxes back against Heero's weight.

"I've also never told him I loved him.."

It's the smile that breaks his heart. A similar smile to those 6 years ago, when Duo encouraged him to do what he needed to do with his life to get it back on track, to make him feel not so terrible, so guilty or haunted.

"I'm sorry."

Heero lays his head on Duo's shoulder, one hand reaching between then to idly play at the strands - this time, to comfort himself.

He doesn't regret leaving. No, if he hadn't, he'd have ended up in a padded white room, or would have just died from the weight of the world that he bore on his young shoulders. He's done the right thing by himself, and by those he's killed or been responsible for the deaths of. He knows that he would be broken or dead, if he hadn't gone. He knows it and yet, he abandoned the one person who meant so much to him, the one who held him and comforted him and kept him sane long enough to come to the realization that he needed to do this.

"You shouldn't be here," he says finally, but he's not making any moves to let Duo go. "I'm the cause of so much misery for you, why would you want to be here?" He speaks to Duo's back, not lifting his head.

"It's okay." He tries to soothe him as best he can, running his thumb over Heero's hand. He had to tell him these little details, knew he had to make it clear what he'd gone through with Heero gone, what had happened and most of all... To make it very clear that while he was fond of his fiancé there was nothing there that meant that he had to stay or had any intention to stay. At least not while Heero was here and willing to be with him like this, to make him feel so at home and loved.

He knows that Heero had to do it for his own sanity, even if it tested Duo's. Heero had to do what he had to do, and he would rather have a mentally healthy Heero than visit him in a hospital or visiting his grave. A temporary separation was much better than a very permanent one like that. Duo would take it over Heero being away any time.

"Because you're the only one that makes me feel comfortable and at home. I've been sort of wandering the past six years, doing what I had to and nothing else, and right now I just... Feel so at peace with you here. Like... I can finally relax."

Heero's arms squeeze around Duo's waist a little and stay firmly put. He can feel Duo's engagement band, and it's cold against his skin. He moves, subtly, to adjust his position so he couldn't feel it. Perhaps it was a subconscious movement.

"I'm the same," he murmured. "Like this, it's comfortable." He'd been lost without Duo anchoring him, and though he'd done what he needed to, that didn't make it easy. He inhales deeply of Duo's hair, his shampoo, and sighs silently.

Finally he leans back a little against the headboard, but only to begin playing with Duo's hair again idly, trailing back up to his scalp and alternating between running his hands through the other's hair and massaging his scalp.

Had Duo noticed he wouldn't have blamed him, but for the moment all he wanted to do was enjoy being with him, regardless of their current situation. For the moment he's more than content right here up against him, shifting a little so that his head rests a little more comfortably on his shoulder. It was hell being taller than the one you're cuddling with. But he wouldn't complain for Heero.

"I know. I love you..." He murmurs quietly, pressing back against him. It was so strange how Heero's mere presence can calm him so much, and he settles, sighing, in to Heero's affections to his hair and head.

... That's kind of evil, Heero. You know what that does to him.

Does he know? Maybe he doesn't remember. It's been a long time. But whether he knows or not, it's not in his conscious mind at the moment. At least that's obvious. He lets Duo settle back into his arms, trailing his fingers through the tresses, and allowing the other to settle his head on his shoulder. Heero presses his cheek to the other's forehead in a brief sign of affection. He's silent, as if he thinks saying anything might break some spell, or wake him from some dream, and Duo would be gone.

He leans in for a soft kiss after a long silence, then another and another, each a little hungrier, a little less reserved, than the last.

Just trust him, Heero, he knows well enough. Even if they weren't talking, weren't sharing stories or things that they might need to, right now he's happy just to feel Heero so close to him, to have his back pressed to Heero's front and know that he was right there again.

He'd missed these little moments the most. They didn't need words or gifts or anything, really, just each other.

Though affection didn't hurt, of course, and soon Duo is pressing back in to those kisses in a needy fashion, wanting more of Heero, more of that soft affection even if he knew he really shouldn't. By the time he pulls away from the most recent kiss he's moving within the loop of Heero's arms to face him, kissing him again, as if Heero's lips on his were his life line, the only way he could breathe properly.

"Heero.."

"Duo--" He's interrupted by those kisses, and he doesn't seem to mind. One hand finds Duo's hair and loosely fists there at the base of his neck, and drawing the ex-pilot closer still. His other hand runs along Duo's shoulder and arm - it seems he's just as desperate to keep contact.

He seems to get lost in their kisses, occasionally readjusting his gentle grip in Duo's hair or readjusting position to make them both more comfortable.

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